4 Years, Remarkably Happy

I nearly forgot my four year anniversary. Turns out, it’s sometime within the July 4th week - not a day, but a roundabout timeframe. I for sure remember that I’d taken myself on a trip to Curacao that week, four years ago. Ahh, the good ole single days. But I digress. Ahem, the value of relationships…

Sounds about right though, doesn’t it? Most people either start out as terrible with dates and forget even the most meaningful ones (if you even had a, “will you be my bf/gf,” moment to begin with); and others, well, the significance just starts to fade and becomes pretty ordinary and forgetable, aside from maybe a few jabby hints from a significant other.

But mine, I simply forgot because my day to day is generally so goddamn lovely. I forget, because everyday seems earmarked in its own right. My partner goes out of his way to make it so. Four years have gone by both incredibly slowly and insanely quickly (there’s been a pandemic thrown in there, for pete’s sake).

So there’s a lot to have made these years stand out and memorable (which they were in many ways), but mostly, they’ve instead seemed remarkably stable and even.

I’ve worked hard to become the person who is worthy of this kind of relationship and I’m proud of that. I’ve gone through absolute dolor to become the person stable, graceful, and independent enough to handle this level of partnership.

Like attracts like - demon attracts demon. But it’s a matter of how well they play together that makes or breaks.

You may hear talk of “the work.” It’s been expressed in very eloquent ways, but it’s outworking in my life has been simply to learn and know my demons - both those of my own making and those imposed at life’s inflection points. But ultimately, I’ve done the work of getting to know myself, and I lucked out in finding someone who did the work of getting to know themselves too. The demons of our facades saw through one another and said, “ok, I see you - truly see you - and I can work with that.”

Being truly seen and loved by another human being is what I wish for every good person out there. It might as well be nirvana because it signals meaning in this world. Now don’t misunderstand - I’m a nihilist, and not referring to a higher power here; just that for the blip of time I’m here, floating on this beautiful blue marble, I mean something to someone (and to myself, first and foremost); and in that, have experienced fleeting yet consistent moments of happiness and meaning, not because they’re inherently that, but because I’ve internalized and ascribed them to be so.

And that’s what I’ve realized over these four years. I was happy before because I chose to make moments for myself. Now, I continue to be happy because my moments, my facade and my demons are experienced in partnership and learning with another.

Cheers to however many more.