Bloodshot Eyes and Tarot Cards

I describe myself these days as a recovering evangelical. And I measure my success by the hobbies and activities I pursue and experience that were once forbidden/frowned upon/mocked, or otherwise tsk-tsk'd. For instance, I've recently watched all the Harry Potter movies. That's right. All of them.

I bought a skateboard. I read my own tarot cards. I write a sacrilegious blog. I'm pro-420. I'm considering my own bi-sexuality. I'm against the death penalty. I'm a feminist and an agnostic. A batter and mixture perfectly distasteful to any good American evangelical.

The tarot cards were a spur of the moment purchase--my secret sin housed in an Amazon warehouse in a fly-over state out west. I was introduced to them by my co-worker, Kevin. Surprisingly, not some Madame Zodiac. But that's how the Devil works. He gets you through an unwitting Kevin-type. The cards were beautifully designed and the descriptions weren't at all witchy or sorcery. In fact, they felt a great deal like prophecy, but without the heavenly pressure/human projection part. They were simply read and interpreted as a matter and tool of increased introspection.

But admittedly, the first night I put them to sleep in my nightstand drawer, I had a moment of panic. Images from that scene in Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail where it's put into the Nazi shipping crate, and the wrath of God burns out the Nazi symbol totally grazed my mind. I thought, 'well shit, if there is a God, then surely I'm going to wake up with a burned out nightstand now that I've put tarot cards inside it!' 

But alas, I'm pleased to report that neither the cards nor the nightstand have any signs of Holy Grail proportional wrath.

All kidding aside though, my intention in all of this is not to purposefully shock or cause division. This is genuinely where I'm landing these days. And I know some might think that my move away from God and Christianity has caused this shift--that to be in God's corner would inevitably cause an anti-position on all these things. But I think there's much more gray area here, particularly for Millenials who believe in God, but who are also socially and morally woke. Many of my friends are this--pursuing and looking at the hard questions within their faith paradigm. Because even though it's nonsense to me now, I would never begrudge, or seek to undermine the well-intentioned faith of another, particularly anyone seeking a genuine Christianity. Because at the heart of any belief, is the genuineness and the motivation of it. How willing are we to ask, grapple with, and see to the logical end, our beliefs--to whatever end they lead us to. How scared are we if the answer isn't what we want it to be. Are we willing to follow it, for the sake of intellectual honesty.

Most in my prior circle wouldn't be willing to do this because its a risk of loosing God, heaven, and eternity. The belief in and connectedness to the Christian God is both too loving and too frightening to risk. The sense of connectedness--real or perceived, is strong. I get this, because I was there. And I think that's why I can still have grace, even amidst my own hurt and anger toward God and the church. I very much understand the motivations.

But what I wish for in return, is the same understanding and courtesy for believing what I believe, and not wishing me to 'come through whatever phase I'm in.'

Especially from my Mom, given that her hopes and dreams for her kids are in the context of eternity and 'salvation.' But at least now I feel I've been able to more clearly articulate to her where I’m at in life and my view on the world, which no longer encompasses a belief in God or Christianity. Even though on my last two visits home (after decidedly breaking with my Christian identity), mysteriously, I would get a singular bloodshot eye starting my first night.

Hmm, stressed much by this, body? Fascinating how well it can tell us how we're subconsciously feeling.

But nevertheless, to express to her that I’m happy and doing well without believing in God. That my life hasn’t crumbled to bits because I no longer claim the “blood of Jesus” over my life. And how good it feels to listen to my own body, and not supersede upon it tenants of what I should be feeling. That I’ve been deeply hurt by the church and have no desire to go back to it. That praying makes no difference in if something happens or doesn’t—zero difference. But rather, meditation is what has been far more beneficial, tapping into self.

I've also accepted that I would never ask her to be anyone other than who she is; a woman with a deep and devoted belief in God. And her expressed desire to continue praying for me “that God would reveal himself to me”—I would not deny her.

We were not able to come to a mutual acceptance that as long as I was happy in my life, that was enough for her to be happy for me. And the reason for this, I feel, is that she doesn’t truly believe me when I say I’m happy. In her worldview, I can’t possibly be truly happy without God. I’m living in a haze of false happiness to her, because I don’t claim love for Jesus. And even though my gut reaction is to feel insulted by this, I’m choosing to see her best wishes in it. She does want the best for me, even if it's in her way—she still loves me unconditionally, I like to think.

I do wish though, that she could be happy for me because I’m happy for myself—that that would be enough for her. But her belief system struggles to allow that. Letting people alone and letting them be happy on their own terms isn’t enough—isn’t correct. They must know and love and follow Jesus.

This to me is dreadfully harmful—not only to the ‘non-believers,’ but unwittingly to the Evangelicals as well, because the pressure to ‘lead’ others to the Lord in order to forego eternal damnation is a whole fuck lot of pressure. Biblical imperatives leave save little room for happiness without God.

But perhaps I'm not being entirely fair. Perhaps I'm not giving evangelicals and their God enough credit for being able to pleasantly surprise me. Because Mom sent me this text the other day:

"Wow...God opened me to the realization that I love truth more than LOVE through your visit. Glad we could talk. Must keep channels open. ❤"

Huh. 

Well, consider me pleasantly surprised!

Channels of love and understanding open indeed. With hopefully far fewer blood shot eyes.

For I'm ready to re-explore relationships and be open to change in myself and others.