Coming Out

Journaling and subsequent blogging has been a real asset in my processing repertoire. However, what I think has been most helpful has truly been “walking away from the church.” And all the nonsense stigma such a statement carries. I’m slowly learning to own it. 

And for anyone who grew up in evangelical circles, my suspicion is—you know what I’m talking about. Because inevitably, assumed implications arise when Christians think of that phrase. It’s like it's said in hushed tones. “Did you hear? So-and so ‘left the church.’” Oh dear, pictures of a terrible spiral downward toward the road to destruction: serial sleeping around, doing drugs, cheating people, lying, stealing, self-hurting. All the fear tactics that the church and Bible employ to implicate what must surely be the natural outworking of a person “not following God”.

Surprise! There is life after, and to beat all, a life in fact very similar to when I was a practicing Christian. Only now, I am much more emotionally stable, less comparison-ridden, far less fearful, more authentic, more free, and overall, tremendously happier. 

How can that be explained? Believe it or not, I was someone who genuinely didn't think the life I'm living now was at all possible outside of following God. And in truth, it took me some time to feel ok with enjoying myself on a Sunday without going to church.

Now to be fair, at the start of leaving church, the negatives far outweighed the positives. I felt incredibly alienated, confused, and alone--it rocked me to my core. But as I’ve made friends outside the Christian bubble (for that’s exactly what it is), they’ve helped me to see myself not through christian—but human, eyes. And the more I’ve seen myself outside the familiar but now cringe-worthy labels of “Christian leader/Christian woman/Christ follower/Believer,” I’m seeing myself as me. Grace Johnston, human.

And although my cynicism can be quite acute, it nevertheless feels so good to finally be myself in this area of my life that is so individualistic and well, cynical. I’ve spent so much of my life never feeling fully free to see a thought through to its logical end. I would begin to express true feelings, then feel it necessary to stop part-way through and say, no—but God is still good. Through it all, He is still good. And subsequently start the steep and formidable climb up the peak of false optimism. I thought I was being a good Christian by stuffing my true feelings with the gizzards of hollow platitudes. In the years of my most rabid evangelicalism, I did more self-hurt emotionally and intellectually than “not believing” ever could.   

But now that I no longer feel the need to censor myself with such paltry manipulation, I’m starting to enjoy the satisfaction of seeing thoughts through to their logical or illogical conclusions! And for a start, neither really matter--because perhaps for the first time, the act of going there freely is happening. Which for me, has been tremendously life-giving, because I’m built to do just that.

There’s so much within me that I was never able to fully explore because God was the ultimate word (literally and figuratively) on any and every thought I had. And wiley or potentially contradictory thoughts always had to be brought ‘into submission.’ I was willingly ruled by an archaic book and an un-seen psychopathic God—kept in line through fear, shame, and a manipulated sense of love. In nearly every way, I was kept hostage by what I thought my life would deteriorate into if I “walked away from God;” that my life couldn’t possibly get better without Him.

Yet here I am. My best self to date.

Not only am I still living life, but an exceptionally good and full life—without living under the weight of precepts and dogmas of many painful, judgmental, and constricting religious years. Arguably, I am the happiest, most genuine, and most honest version of myself—clearly with many remaining hang-ups and fuck-ups to reconcile and heal from, but at least I’m working through them as my most genuine self. No excuses, no fighting with reality.

Ironic though—there will inevitably be people reading this who say, you’ve must’ve had the exceptional experience, because true Christianity isn’t like that. To which I would counter that I am in no way the exception to the rule. Christianity is like this, because it’s full of imperfect, shitty, well-meaning people. Defend God and your belief system, by all means. But understand the reality of that belief system and its logical implications for good, as well as great harm. 

I spent much of my life committed to my belief system. While in reality I was pent up, prudish, hurt, longing, and confused. All the while believing in my absolute dogmatic rightness. God was right, therefore I was too.

I hope to one day hold no animosity toward the church, “God," and the Bible—I will never excuse the hurt I have experienced at the altar of patriarchy and arresting dogma, but I still dearly hope that there will be some in the church brave enough to draw their own conclusions.

I for certain feel as though I’m seeing so much clearer. More empathetic, more assertive, more honest, more beautifully cynical. Just more me, in every way. And I have leaving the western Christian church to thank for that. Because in the honesty, I found myself.